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Plan is good!

I am not posting much lately I know. This blog is more for me to get things off my mind then for anyone to read it (not sure anyone will anyway!) and I know I should post more because I have a LOT of stuff on my mind.

I implemented my plan. Now, it’s not a ‘follow these steps’ kind of plan but a general ‘step by step will get me by’ type of plan. I am tracking in a way. Keeping tabs on my calories and carbs to an extent. I want to be beneath a certain amount of carbs, and between a certain amount of calories. That’s it. If I go over, I do better the next day. I am trying to be more aware of what I am putting in my body, more aware of when I think about food, more aware when I crave something, and more aware of the effects the bad stuff is doing to me. I may be eating lower carbs, but I am not going out and buying a big cheeseburger and tossing the bun. I am baking chicken breasts in different herbs and using them in multiple ways, but because it is a chicken breast and very low in carb, if I want more .. i’ll have more. Most of my carbs are coming from fruits and vegetables (I LOVE FRUIT).

Some of the things that I’ve already discovered is that I crave things fast and suddenly. That’s usually why I hit the drive-thru so often, quick and fast. I haven’t had fast food since my binge a couple of weeks ago, which is great. I’m not saying the urge to go hasn’t popped up, oh boy has it ever. It is such a hard feeling to explain. It’s like something unseen is pushing or pulling you, wanting you to just easily turn the wheel and enter the fast food line. The last week I have had this feeling many times, and I have done well not to give in. Even in the store to urge to buy something that I don’t really need, like a lunchable, is incredibly strong. I want it suddenly, I feel like I NEED it, and I almost get it but I walk away distracting myself with an item that is actually on my list. I will admit I gave in to a craving today, it wasn’t fast food but I really wanted some chinese boneless spare ribs. Not my best choice, not for good reasons i’m sure, but I did it. I know I have issues with food and it’s much more evident when I look at the empty containor and realize that I could have saved some for later or tomorrow. I was so caught up in no one seeing me eat it or knowing that I got it that I ate the whole thing. I will probably even eat dinner as well just to keep up the facade. I am weak still, but I am working on it.

To move on to a more positive thing. I did lose 5lbs this last week! I am really not sure what happened because I thought some of my choices weren’t the best choices I could make but chalked it up to figuring out how I work. I am at a weight I don’t think I have ever been since I was a child, and it’s all down-hill from here. I don’t ever remember being at any weight going down, so it’s all new to me. I want to keep this momentum going, I want to keep the positivity going. I am trying, I really am.

I wasn’t ready to add in exercise yet, but my boss brought up that she wanted to walk during lunches and asked if I was interested. I said definitely! I don’t feel safe walking at home, and am way to lazy to go drive somewhere to walk, so this seems perfect. I’m hoping this helps me lost some extra weight or keep the momentum going to get me to a more positive place. A place where I KNOW things can happen.

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Meh.

In my quest to find out who I am I need to figure out the things that I really enjoy, the things that make me truly happy, the things that keep me going everyday to get to the goals that I want.

I have gone over what I need to do to really change the way I deal with food. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food and one of the 3 things (food, air, water) that is supposed to be keeping me alive, is slowly killing me. I abuse food, for some reason it has a hold on me like no other thing in the world does. I want to stop. I don’t want to mindlessly eat because I’m upset or lonely. I want to be able to face my feelings and deal with them. How do I get to that point though? I can give you a list of things I don’t want to happen, but an even longer list is the things I WANT to happen or do. I want to consider myself an active person not just someone exercising, I want to be able to walk into any clothing store, I want to be able to go into a restaurant and not worry about seating, I want to get on an airplane or in someone elses car and not worry about the seatbelts. They might seem like stupid things, but it’s things I’ve never been able to do.

I want to stop wishing for things and make them HAPPEN.

On another note, I don’t want to mindlessly going through daily motions just to get by. I want to wake up with the one I love excited that it’s a new day I get to be with him. A new day with endless possibilities of what could happen for us. I’m so sick of being on my own. I want a partner, someone to share things with, to do daily menial tasks with. I want to be able to kick off my shoes at the end of the day and cuddle up next to my one and for us both to talk about our day. I want a relationship.  I’m so tired of being alone and feeling so lonely.

I know this post wasn’t much on the positive side, but I’m feeling a little meh at the moment.

To end on a more positive note, I do have a plan I am putting into effect. I’ll explain more, but it’s basically a general schedule and an eating plan. I’m not worried about specifics but guidelines are great. Taking baby steps to a healthier, happier, and more well-rounded (not in the bad way) person!

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Back to day one!

So today is going well so far.

It was late when I posted last night so I didn’t get as much time to look over low carb information like I wanted, so this morning I had a slight ‘what do I eat’ panic. I don’t want to put this off at all, so regardless of what I had available to me, I wanted to eat as low carb as I could. I had bought some cheese cubes for snacks this week so I ended up scrambling 2 eggs, half a serving of cubes (about 3 cubes broken up) and a couple ounces of leftover porkchop from the other night. It was a good breakfast for such short notice. Only problem is that by 9am (I had bfast about 6:30am) I felt hungry again. So I either need to bulk up my brakfast, or start eating small meals every couple of hours. I ate more cheese cubes for snack (cause its the only low/no carb snack I have!) and I brought some fruit with me, even though 2 week induction says no fruit. Not sure if I’m officially ‘started’ yet though.

I wonder often why is it so damn hard for me to get my ass into gear and do what I have to do to lose weight. I KNOW I want to, I know I NEED to, I know it CAN be done. So why don’t I do it? Why do I get frustrated so easily trying to figure out what to eat. Why is there so many things to watch; calories, fat, sugars, sodium. Which do you watch? How do you watch any of them and still feel like you are eating. Every time I start a different eating regimen I always end up hungry. Low calorie? Seem always hungry. Low carb? Seems like a lot of food AND still seem hungry. I struggle with needing to be on a low budget, and still managing to eat to not feel so hungry that I binge out. I am so lost and confused. Don’t even get me started on exercise, I have an excuse for everything and I don’t think I have EVER been able to balance healthy eating and exercise because I often felt the need to binge after a workout.

That is the key though, finding balance. Finding the right combination that keeps you going and works. I don’t know how to find that balance. I hate experimenting. I hate being at work and out of snacks at 3:30pm with an hour and a half left to go of work and you can feel that feeling coming on. The one where your stomach knots up because you are hungry after a healthy meal of a few things and you suddenly start to picture fast food and how easy it would be just to order an .89 cent taco. Yet you think, “well, tomorrow i’ll bring more snacks.” That doesn’t help the here and now! Of course if you BRING more snacks, that messes up your money because it’s delving into allotted snacks. Ugh. I hate it. I hate the fact whenever I am trying to eat better all I think about is food. I just want a normal relationship with food. I want to eat to survive, not eat because I’m sad, bored, lonely, or stressed out. I don’t want to have to plan out every morsel that goes into my body. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to do these things, but is that the only way I am going to be able to lose weight? I am going to have to become a gym rat and sweat and pant and die in front of complete strangers? I don’t know how people do it honestly, I can’t even exercise in front of my own mother so it is a hard  thing for me to grasp. What do I do?

Right now I am going to try low carb, I don’t know if I will follow the Atkins diet or not though. Twenty carbs is a very small amount of carbs, and what seems like a lot of food to go through. However i’m a hypocrite because a big problem I have with different ways of eating is that if i’m given freedom (like I just ranted about) i’ll just binge. If I could actually eat till I was satisfied, I probably wouldn’t be fat in the first place, right?

In trying to plan for low carb ‘induction’ phase, I decided I would make a frittata from the sparkpeople.com website. So I made an Egg white Tomato & Spinach Frittata. I added some ground sausage and it looks great, I can’t wait to taste it tomorrow. If it’s a success I will post the recipe.

First steps which include Sauteed onions & spinach.

Added oven roasted grape tomatoes & egg whites.

Some cheese and baking later, looks delish!!

Kitty is thirsty!

So fricken cute!

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So today was fairly boring in a way. All I did all day was move things around rearranging furniture. I took some pictures of a couple big pieces of furniture and put them on craigslist to sell. Got a few bites already, so hopefully they sell!

Having date night with the boyfriend 🙂 Going to enjoy the rest of my evening!

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