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Archive for the ‘My Life’ Category

What a couple of weeks this has been. Ups and downs, downs and sideways and then more downs. It’s been crazy and depressing and darn right hard. I’m ready to make something happen now.

I’m tired of being tired. I’m sick of being sick. I want to get up in the morning and feel positive that today is going to be a good day. These black clouds that have been surrounding me need to go away, and probably not from rays of sunshine shooting out of my eyes and mouth, but at least by me swatting them away. I know that was kind of a weird visual, but yea πŸ˜€

Anyways .. I honestly don’t want to delve into what went on the last couple of weeks. It’s done and over with, things can’t be undone and can’t be taken back and I need to move on. Lets hope that those rainclouds are still running.

So in attempt to start anew and fresh Len and I began to make a plan for what we want to happen, how to make it happen, and when things might start to happen. A part of that plan involves good habits, eating healthier and tracking what we eat. We had this big thing made up and what did I go and do today? Binged. Hardcore. Not even because I was sad, or depressed, perhaps a little bored though. I was so full and I kept on eating, it was insane. I felt so sick when I got home and then my sister started dinner. It smelled so good, yet I felt so sick. Eventually my stomach calmed a little and then I had a huge lapse in judgment and down went dinner. I don’t even have words for what went on with me tonight. I feel so gross and defeated. I need a new plan, and I am thinking of trying low carb. I know that the first couple weeks of a low carb diet is hard and pretty crazy, but I believe it can be maintained as a lifestyle change and when I get past these first couple of weeks and start adding more foods in and seeing how I feel, exercise might just be my next step! I don’t want to get to far ahead of myself though, baby steps.

Although I was a bit depressed and feel a little blah right now because of all the food I’ve consumed today, I do feel slightly motivated to become healthier right now. My sister went to the doctor today, and a similar situation to my mom, came out with more things wrong with her than she went in with. It scares me to know my mom has diabetes and my sister has diabetes, and she has not kept her diabetes in check and is now having a lot of side affects. I’m a LOT bigger than she is. I don’t want to end up blind because of Diabetes, or losing a limb. I don’t want to have to take insulin or anything like that. I don’t want to have a heart attack at 26, and I want to be around for a long long time to live it up with Len. I want to go bike riding, go on an adventure, go jogging with Len, go on a cruise, and not worry about if I can fit in the seats at a restaurant or a movie theater, or if the seat belt in someones car is going to fit me. I hate that my life revolves around my weight in a negative way, and I want to change that. Right. Now.

I need to do some more research on low carb stuff, but I think by tomorrow I should have a decent look at what I want to at least start out with. This is my commitment right here, right now, witness it.

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As the title says this has been a rough week for me, and tomorrow IS a new day. This could become a looooong post of catching up!

The rough part of my week was really just depression. I was doing really well for weeks and then boy did it come back and hit me, it hit me hard and made up for time! Trying to look back on it now in a better state of mind I can’t really even think of WHY I was so depressed. It was just a mix of everything together and it took me over the edge and fast. I am so glad Len is so understanding and patient with me in this time. I feel like if we were together though things wouldn’t feel as hopeless as they do once I get into a depression like this. Having physical support (a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold) is so much more comforting to me than a text message. I’m not going to get into it though because I’ve had so much talking about and our friend Kendall has been really helping me out and I appreciate everything she does for me!

Well, I’ve been working on this post for days now, mostly because I will get distracted with something else. So as much as I wanted to write into it explaining how everything has gone, I’ll just summarize the day-to-day stuff so I can get down to the things I really want to work on. Goals. Like I said, the week started rough with the depression and then it got pretty good because I got a reply back about a job and went to an interview. The job was through a temp service and they called and asked if I’d want to work at another place (apparently I didn’t get the original job!) and of course I said yes and it ended up being a really good job/pay. I was having a hard time getting excited over the job and after finally letting myself .. the order got canceled! Ugh. Pissed. So I went and met with another woman and I have another appointment on Tuesday to see about another job. That was a roller-coaster ride emotionally. I still feel, even with jobs on the horizon, that I want to go back to CA. So, so, so, so, so much!

So anyways. For the last couple of days that I have been pretty okay emotionally and mentally, I have thought that I need to step up my game with my blog and my health stuff. I need to get back on track with my to-do lists of course, I also want to actually commit to an exercise routine. The weather around here has been getting pretty super nice instead of in your face I-can’t-breath-oh-lord-please-help-me humid hot. I get this weird feeling of i want to do SOMETHING, but I just can’t figure out what it is let alone how to do it. I can’t figure it out! So what I am going to do in this post is to set some new things up!

Eating

Sometimes I can do a great job with my eating (mostly when I have a job and can afford food). Other times I find myself bingeing, a lot. I need to find my balance. I need to find a way to not constantly think about what am I going to be eating next and going through an hour of calorie counting and then find myself really hungry because all I have done is think about food. I’m still not completely sure on a full-blown plan, but a few things I want to start doing and I still think slow and steady will be my best overall plan. I’ve had a subscription, from my wonderful boyfriend Len, to Jillian Michaels website. I used it for a while but didn’t follow through, I didn’t like the food tracker and used it mostly for information and the exercise stuff. Of course after the subscription I found Spark People (free!). I want to use this tool to really help me out, it is free after all and I really like their food tracker! My plan is 1400-1600 calories. Now, I’m not going to narrow myself to ONLY healthy stuff now because at this point in life (with no money and not much choice of what is bought to eat) I would rather just stick to goals that are achievable. So no matter what I eat as long as I stick to those calories, and that doesn’t give me an excuse to eat a 1000 calorie burger (but if I reaaaally wanted it I could!).

Exercise

This subject I struggle with. A lot. My mentality is that if I’ve already eaten something bad, what’s the point in exercising? I’ve already ruined my day. Well, I need to think different. If I do happen to eat something that I feel is on the lower end of the healthy spectrum, then I NEED to exercise. I also can’t just stop it there. I think because my food really isn’t something I can completely control, I need to find my control in exercise. If that means creating a schedule (something I didn’t want to do starting this journey) for exercise then so be it. Maybe it’s what I need. I’ve thought of either creating my routine, or perhaps doing the couch to 5k plan. It might take me awhile longer to get to certain fitness levels on that, but it could be a good goal to do. I’m still kind of working this part out.

Mental

I actually felt really good when I was keeping track of my goals and having routines etc. I think for myself and to make myself feel better, I need to do and get back into my to-do lists and my routines. I tend to do something for a day or two and then go back to old ways, but I am going to stick to my lists this time.

This is my tentative plan now. I am going to take more time to actually plan out what I’m going to do now and hopefully my next post will have updates on that.

I wish I had taken pictures the last week. I made a really good meatloaf from Healthy Decadence show on FitTV, it was actually really yummy and my very picky sister loved it! Tonight I had made pork chops a new way from a random website I had taken the idea off of, but didn’t really follow the recipe. Basically I used a seasoning salt then browned the pork chops, I used 3 onions sliced and a cup of water and then simmered it all together. Turned the chops, simmered again. At the end the onions were gone (they weren’t suppose to be!) and I ended up making a bit of a gravy to put over the chops. It may not have been the most healthy, but it was damn delicious!

Anyhoo, tomorrow is the start of a new week, and a holiday at that. It will be a good day!

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I really consider today a success! I didn’t do anything super amazing, but I ate healthy (mostly), I laughed (a lot), and I enjoyed myself. I did not have a negative thought today that would ruin the day for me, just the usual “IT IS SO HOT OUTSIDE, I CANT STAND IT!” I don’t have many pictures to start adding to the blog, something I hope to do within all my posts, so explanation and a little imagination will have to do!

Today started out like every Friday has for the last couple of months now.Β  Let me really start this by explaining the situation of my mother right now, and let me also just note that my Mother has surprised the hell out of me for the last 5 months or so. The week I returned from California (in April) my mom had an eye surgery to clear out what she called ‘cobwebs’ in her vision. Said cobwebs ended up being dried blood in her eye and the surgery was suppose to drain that blood as well as re-attach her retina (which was apparently unattached). Neither surgeries stuck and my mom can’t see out of her left eye anymore. This is when I started one of my many titles, the driver. Now, upon doing this surgery not only can she not see out of her eye, but they discovered she had Diabetes and a strange mass they could not figure out in the said sightless eye. This worried everyone because what could it be? It could be more blood, a clot, or .. some sort of cancer. We really hoped it wasn’t that one. With all this craziness going on with her health, it was decided she should really get a physical and a family doctor. That physical changed a lot as well, with many other tests, they finally figured out she had Breast Cancer as well. We were all in shock because what they say is true, you don’t ever think the bad things can happen to you until well .. they do. My mom started Chemotherapy and is doing great on it. The cancer (in her breasts, lymph-nodes, and lungs) are all getting smaller. They still don’t know what the mass in her eye is, but they did also discover cataracts in the right and a massive one in the left (which no one told us about before). So now she will be getting cataract surgery in her right eye (her vision is very blurry and caused her to fall and crack her hip bone) which hopefully will help her see better, and they will probably do a surgery in her left strictly for them to be able to try and see what that mass is. I mentioned earlier that my mom has surprised me the last 5 months or so and the reason being, she has not complained once. Not once. She has not cried, she has not become depressed over the health issues, she barely even wants to take pain meds even when the pain is so bad she can’t stand it. My mom is so tough, tougher than I thought she ever was. In the face of Diabetes, Breast Cancer (and the fun side-affects of chemo; dizziness, sickness, and a myriad of other things), losing sight in one eye, blurriness in the other, and falling and cracking her hip my mother has stood tall and proud and strong.Β  I am so proud of her.

So back to the start of the day, we usually have to wake up early to get to moms chemo session but the late night last night (4am!) and the tossing and turning I did the whole ‘night’ really set me up or failure. Got up barely on time, did the shower thing, and had to rush out the door. Needless to say breakfast choice was not the best thing ever, McDonalds. Okay, it could possibly be the worst decision ever, but you know .. I own it. We went to McDonalds, and in my search for a Healthier lifestyle, I will not be going back. Probably not to any fast food joint ever again. I think going hungry will be in my future before I hit a drive-thru again! So two sausage burritos and a sausage biscuit later(I know I eat a lot and hope when i am able to really focus on eating healthy this will become less of a problem), we got to the hospital and did our usual thing. Moms treatments are pretty short these days (45 minutes or so) because she was taken off some medicine that could affect her bones in her hip healing, so after about 2 hours (we had to see the doctor and that takes FOREVER) we were able to bounce out of there.

First stop, my newest most favorite place ever .. Earthfare!! It’s a health food store that gives me my Trader Joes fix here in the South. Man I miss Trader Joes! Anyway, had a couple coupons so I got a pound of Welch’s Organic Grapes for free, and a free insulated lunch bag! Wee! Is it weird to be excited about a lunch bag? Also purchased; Bananas, Mangos, couple of peaches, whole wheat bread flour (because tomorrow I will be attempting to make my first ever loaf of bread!!), and organic local honey. A few samples were also eaten, mm samples. We also didn’t make it out of there without a little lunch, Berry Spring Rolls. I am so proud of myself for picking these over fast food and going with these instead of something else because they were AWESOME! They were delicious little slices of lettuce, carrots, cucumber, avocado, and a strawberry slices dipped in sweet chili sauce. Oh man. Can you tell I get excited over food? Does this make me a foodie? Cool! Mom and I each had a roll (4 pieces) and it carried us for a long time. I think even that little detail made me excited! I am such a dork. πŸ˜€

Yea, I drive a jeep πŸ˜€

We hung out with my sister for a bit and I helped her move some totes and furniture in her house because she is moving. Moving where? Our house! Not that our house isn’t crowded enough with my mom, my brother, a great pyranees mix (oh trust me, there shall be pics), a chihuahua, one cat, two kittens, and myself. We are adding my sister, three bird cages, and four birds. Crazy. Money is hard for everyone, and hopefully we can all help each other out. After the visit was another grocery store visit for some free Diabetes Meds for my mom from Publix. What a great program that is! We got some more food samples (deli ham, cheese, peach pie, and mom had a potato crusted fish sample it was good) and I got to walk out with a little container of Black figs. So excited! Although, when I did get home and tried one it tasted really weird! I hope they all aren’t like that , I would be super sad face.

These are some of the pets. The first picture is Feona my baby and the next is my kitten Bo, and his sister Girl Kitty, enjoying their box.

So that was basically my day, got home and made whole-wheat rotini and pot pies for dinner. Gave my dog another flea bath (dang heat and fleas!), working on a 101 in 1001 list to start, and basically just chilling.

I’ve been thinking a lot the last couple of days how I can start this healthy journey with small steps that don’t overwhelm me and make me lose my focus. I think my first step is going to deal with myself. I realize that I need to work on how I feel about myself on the inside instead of focusing all my attention on what I look like on the outside. Being skinny won’t make me healthy. Loving myself for who I am, being proud of the things i’ve accomplished, working towards goals to make my life better .. those are the things that make you, as a whole, healthy. I need to make the inside healthy before the outside will follow. I’m going to make a list of things that I’m going to start doing every day/evening. A lot of this stuff I do already, like showering/brushing teeth. I’m going to add in other things that will help me feel better about myself (taking a vitamin every day) and make me feel good about being a girl (lotions!). This is my plan for the rest of the evening, and to stick to the list is my weekly goal!

❀

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My path awaits discovery

I find it strange to say ‘hello’ to space. Maybe someone might read this blog, maybe no one will, but I am not doing this for anyone else anymore. This is about me. I’m committing myself to actually putting my thoughts down instead of locking everything inside to fester. Ruminating, is what the current book I’m reading calls it. I tend to hold things inside and just ruminate over them until they become depressive and much bigger issues than they truly are. Well, here’s my way of helping that. This may be a very long post, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Alright, now that’s done and over with I can explain a little more what this is going to be all about. Not only will I be using this as a way to write down what is going on with me (although life at the moment is far from fascinating!), but I will also be using this as a way to be accountable. Accountable for what you may ask? Well .. everything. Like the title says; Life, Love, and Health. I want to find my path in this Life, not just a way to get by or to pay the bills. I want to LIVE and do things that I enjoy and live life the way I choose not someone else, or because of my circumstances. I want to take control over things and make things happen for myself. Let me break it down a little more, and explain my situation at the moment.

Life. It’s a strange thing sometimes. You grow up and you see things in one way and the smallest detail can open your eyes to bigger better possibilities. You know how you are as a person, yet as you expand your views on the world around you, that knowledge is challenged. I feel a veil that I’ve had about myself has been lifted because of the last year in my life. I want things I never thought I really wanted, I feel things that were so out of reach can be mine with hard work, I WANT to do something with myself. I went to California on a whim. Me. Small town girl that really never thought she would get out of her comfort zone. On my own. Now, I definitely had my reasons, (Throw in that Love now) a guy. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to make the decision of packing everything I own (with barely any money, and no job prospects) and, with said guy, drive over TWO-THOUSAND miles away to a completely different lifestyle. I can tell you one thing, I wouldn’t have changed that decision at all. Now, said guy lives in California and we met online, had known each other for many years and really connected within six months of the move (only having met face to face for one amazing weekend). I knew things were going to be different, but I was in for the biggest eye opener of my life. There is LIFE outside of small towns. Cute places all connected so closely that the idea of walking or biking to a nearby store is a normal thought for people there. Fresh, affordable, fruit and vegetables are almost everywhere and you can’t help but WANT to be health conscious. Oh it was a great five months living in Mission Viejo, the guy (now boyfriend), was close enough to see every day. We would actually DO things and sometimes just spontaneously because everything was so close and easy to access. This was so different for me. EVERYTHING was so different for me. His family did things, something ours rarely did without some sort of trouble starting (that’s a whole other issue for future posts). Although I have a lot of siblings (8 others to be exact), his close knit family consists of cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. I’ve only known my siblings to really be considered ‘family’. It was so strange for me to be in a house full of people (since it was rare to have more than 5 of us together at one time, including nieces and nephews) every weekend to play games, hang out, barbecue, laugh, and just chit chat with until all hours of the night. I loved it. Then things began to become serious. Life without money now a days, is a hard thing to do. I couldn’t find a full-time job and was stuck doing a lot of temporary work. At the end of December, I had no job, and I ended up moving in with boyfriends cousin about an hour away. Life there wasn’t bad at all, but after having boyfriend around for six or seven months every day .. well, it was quite an adjustment to seeing him once a week. Things just kept going down hill, no jobs, no interviews, no anything. Finally it came down to only one choice. I had to move back across the country. It was a decision that I didn’t want to do, and it was helped along by the fact my mom was having a surgery and I really wanted to be there for her. So I made the decision, and on Easter, 2010 (the worst Easter I’ve had so far), I moved away from the man I love and the freedom I had found to a less than what I wanted life. I would give anything to be able to see my boyfriend even just once a week, the long distance is so much harder than I thought it ever would be, especially since I haven’t seen, touched, smelled, or even felt his hand in mine for almost half a year. Things back here are not easy at all, still no job (going on 8 months now), and my mother has been diagnosed with several things along with having fallen and cracking her hip. Since I am here, it’s fallen on me to be her caretaker, except that it is also preventing me from getting a job, and in turn doing what I want to do with life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother, but perhaps this is an issue left for another day.

To sum up Life, it is not easy. For anyone. Do I think that I have the worst life anyone can have? HELL NO! For me, however, this is bad right now. I’ve been incredibly depressed, and I don’t want to be any more. I am finally realizing that I need to do anything that can at least get me on a better path of thinking, to get out of this depression. I know things will start to pick up for me soon, because I feel deep inside my gut that the time is coming when I just snap and do what I have to do. In the meantime I want to start figuring out how to become a more healthier person. Not just physically (which is definitely a big problem for me), but on so many levels. I need to become healthy on the inside, in order for it to show on my outside. I want to fix the insides first. This is my first step.

Oh. I said this was going to be a long post didn’t I? πŸ˜€

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