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Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

What a couple of weeks this has been. Ups and downs, downs and sideways and then more downs. It’s been crazy and depressing and darn right hard. I’m ready to make something happen now.

I’m tired of being tired. I’m sick of being sick. I want to get up in the morning and feel positive that today is going to be a good day. These black clouds that have been surrounding me need to go away, and probably not from rays of sunshine shooting out of my eyes and mouth, but at least by me swatting them away. I know that was kind of a weird visual, but yea 😀

Anyways .. I honestly don’t want to delve into what went on the last couple of weeks. It’s done and over with, things can’t be undone and can’t be taken back and I need to move on. Lets hope that those rainclouds are still running.

So in attempt to start anew and fresh Len and I began to make a plan for what we want to happen, how to make it happen, and when things might start to happen. A part of that plan involves good habits, eating healthier and tracking what we eat. We had this big thing made up and what did I go and do today? Binged. Hardcore. Not even because I was sad, or depressed, perhaps a little bored though. I was so full and I kept on eating, it was insane. I felt so sick when I got home and then my sister started dinner. It smelled so good, yet I felt so sick. Eventually my stomach calmed a little and then I had a huge lapse in judgment and down went dinner. I don’t even have words for what went on with me tonight. I feel so gross and defeated. I need a new plan, and I am thinking of trying low carb. I know that the first couple weeks of a low carb diet is hard and pretty crazy, but I believe it can be maintained as a lifestyle change and when I get past these first couple of weeks and start adding more foods in and seeing how I feel, exercise might just be my next step! I don’t want to get to far ahead of myself though, baby steps.

Although I was a bit depressed and feel a little blah right now because of all the food I’ve consumed today, I do feel slightly motivated to become healthier right now. My sister went to the doctor today, and a similar situation to my mom, came out with more things wrong with her than she went in with. It scares me to know my mom has diabetes and my sister has diabetes, and she has not kept her diabetes in check and is now having a lot of side affects. I’m a LOT bigger than she is. I don’t want to end up blind because of Diabetes, or losing a limb. I don’t want to have to take insulin or anything like that. I don’t want to have a heart attack at 26, and I want to be around for a long long time to live it up with Len. I want to go bike riding, go on an adventure, go jogging with Len, go on a cruise, and not worry about if I can fit in the seats at a restaurant or a movie theater, or if the seat belt in someones car is going to fit me. I hate that my life revolves around my weight in a negative way, and I want to change that. Right. Now.

I need to do some more research on low carb stuff, but I think by tomorrow I should have a decent look at what I want to at least start out with. This is my commitment right here, right now, witness it.

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As the title says this has been a rough week for me, and tomorrow IS a new day. This could become a looooong post of catching up!

The rough part of my week was really just depression. I was doing really well for weeks and then boy did it come back and hit me, it hit me hard and made up for time! Trying to look back on it now in a better state of mind I can’t really even think of WHY I was so depressed. It was just a mix of everything together and it took me over the edge and fast. I am so glad Len is so understanding and patient with me in this time. I feel like if we were together though things wouldn’t feel as hopeless as they do once I get into a depression like this. Having physical support (a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold) is so much more comforting to me than a text message. I’m not going to get into it though because I’ve had so much talking about and our friend Kendall has been really helping me out and I appreciate everything she does for me!

Well, I’ve been working on this post for days now, mostly because I will get distracted with something else. So as much as I wanted to write into it explaining how everything has gone, I’ll just summarize the day-to-day stuff so I can get down to the things I really want to work on. Goals. Like I said, the week started rough with the depression and then it got pretty good because I got a reply back about a job and went to an interview. The job was through a temp service and they called and asked if I’d want to work at another place (apparently I didn’t get the original job!) and of course I said yes and it ended up being a really good job/pay. I was having a hard time getting excited over the job and after finally letting myself .. the order got canceled! Ugh. Pissed. So I went and met with another woman and I have another appointment on Tuesday to see about another job. That was a roller-coaster ride emotionally. I still feel, even with jobs on the horizon, that I want to go back to CA. So, so, so, so, so much!

So anyways. For the last couple of days that I have been pretty okay emotionally and mentally, I have thought that I need to step up my game with my blog and my health stuff. I need to get back on track with my to-do lists of course, I also want to actually commit to an exercise routine. The weather around here has been getting pretty super nice instead of in your face I-can’t-breath-oh-lord-please-help-me humid hot. I get this weird feeling of i want to do SOMETHING, but I just can’t figure out what it is let alone how to do it. I can’t figure it out! So what I am going to do in this post is to set some new things up!

Eating

Sometimes I can do a great job with my eating (mostly when I have a job and can afford food). Other times I find myself bingeing, a lot. I need to find my balance. I need to find a way to not constantly think about what am I going to be eating next and going through an hour of calorie counting and then find myself really hungry because all I have done is think about food. I’m still not completely sure on a full-blown plan, but a few things I want to start doing and I still think slow and steady will be my best overall plan. I’ve had a subscription, from my wonderful boyfriend Len, to Jillian Michaels website. I used it for a while but didn’t follow through, I didn’t like the food tracker and used it mostly for information and the exercise stuff. Of course after the subscription I found Spark People (free!). I want to use this tool to really help me out, it is free after all and I really like their food tracker! My plan is 1400-1600 calories. Now, I’m not going to narrow myself to ONLY healthy stuff now because at this point in life (with no money and not much choice of what is bought to eat) I would rather just stick to goals that are achievable. So no matter what I eat as long as I stick to those calories, and that doesn’t give me an excuse to eat a 1000 calorie burger (but if I reaaaally wanted it I could!).

Exercise

This subject I struggle with. A lot. My mentality is that if I’ve already eaten something bad, what’s the point in exercising? I’ve already ruined my day. Well, I need to think different. If I do happen to eat something that I feel is on the lower end of the healthy spectrum, then I NEED to exercise. I also can’t just stop it there. I think because my food really isn’t something I can completely control, I need to find my control in exercise. If that means creating a schedule (something I didn’t want to do starting this journey) for exercise then so be it. Maybe it’s what I need. I’ve thought of either creating my routine, or perhaps doing the couch to 5k plan. It might take me awhile longer to get to certain fitness levels on that, but it could be a good goal to do. I’m still kind of working this part out.

Mental

I actually felt really good when I was keeping track of my goals and having routines etc. I think for myself and to make myself feel better, I need to do and get back into my to-do lists and my routines. I tend to do something for a day or two and then go back to old ways, but I am going to stick to my lists this time.

This is my tentative plan now. I am going to take more time to actually plan out what I’m going to do now and hopefully my next post will have updates on that.

I wish I had taken pictures the last week. I made a really good meatloaf from Healthy Decadence show on FitTV, it was actually really yummy and my very picky sister loved it! Tonight I had made pork chops a new way from a random website I had taken the idea off of, but didn’t really follow the recipe. Basically I used a seasoning salt then browned the pork chops, I used 3 onions sliced and a cup of water and then simmered it all together. Turned the chops, simmered again. At the end the onions were gone (they weren’t suppose to be!) and I ended up making a bit of a gravy to put over the chops. It may not have been the most healthy, but it was damn delicious!

Anyhoo, tomorrow is the start of a new week, and a holiday at that. It will be a good day!

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