Plan is good!

I am not posting much lately I know. This blog is more for me to get things off my mind then for anyone to read it (not sure anyone will anyway!) and I know I should post more because I have a LOT of stuff on my mind.

I implemented my plan. Now, it’s not a ‘follow these steps’ kind of plan but a general ‘step by step will get me by’ type of plan. I am tracking in a way. Keeping tabs on my calories and carbs to an extent. I want to be beneath a certain amount of carbs, and between a certain amount of calories. That’s it. If I go over, I do better the next day. I am trying to be more aware of what I am putting in my body, more aware of when I think about food, more aware when I crave something, and more aware of the effects the bad stuff is doing to me. I may be eating lower carbs, but I am not going out and buying a big cheeseburger and tossing the bun. I am baking chicken breasts in different herbs and using them in multiple ways, but because it is a chicken breast and very low in carb, if I want more .. i’ll have more. Most of my carbs are coming from fruits and vegetables (I LOVE FRUIT).

Some of the things that I’ve already discovered is that I crave things fast and suddenly. That’s usually why I hit the drive-thru so often, quick and fast. I haven’t had fast food since my binge a couple of weeks ago, which is great. I’m not saying the urge to go hasn’t popped up, oh boy has it ever. It is such a hard feeling to explain. It’s like something unseen is pushing or pulling you, wanting you to just easily turn the wheel and enter the fast food line. The last week I have had this feeling many times, and I have done well not to give in. Even in the store to urge to buy something that I don’t really need, like a lunchable, is incredibly strong. I want it suddenly, I feel like I NEED it, and I almost get it but I walk away distracting myself with an item that is actually on my list. I will admit I gave in to a craving today, it wasn’t fast food but I really wanted some chinese boneless spare ribs. Not my best choice, not for good reasons i’m sure, but I did it. I know I have issues with food and it’s much more evident when I look at the empty containor and realize that I could have saved some for later or tomorrow. I was so caught up in no one seeing me eat it or knowing that I got it that I ate the whole thing. I will probably even eat dinner as well just to keep up the facade. I am weak still, but I am working on it.

To move on to a more positive thing. I did lose 5lbs this last week! I am really not sure what happened because I thought some of my choices weren’t the best choices I could make but chalked it up to figuring out how I work. I am at a weight I don’t think I have ever been since I was a child, and it’s all down-hill from here. I don’t ever remember being at any weight going down, so it’s all new to me. I want to keep this momentum going, I want to keep the positivity going. I am trying, I really am.

I wasn’t ready to add in exercise yet, but my boss brought up that she wanted to walk during lunches and asked if I was interested. I said definitely! I don’t feel safe walking at home, and am way to lazy to go drive somewhere to walk, so this seems perfect. I’m hoping this helps me lost some extra weight or keep the momentum going to get me to a more positive place. A place where I KNOW things can happen.

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Meh.

In my quest to find out who I am I need to figure out the things that I really enjoy, the things that make me truly happy, the things that keep me going everyday to get to the goals that I want.

I have gone over what I need to do to really change the way I deal with food. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food and one of the 3 things (food, air, water) that is supposed to be keeping me alive, is slowly killing me. I abuse food, for some reason it has a hold on me like no other thing in the world does. I want to stop. I don’t want to mindlessly eat because I’m upset or lonely. I want to be able to face my feelings and deal with them. How do I get to that point though? I can give you a list of things I don’t want to happen, but an even longer list is the things I WANT to happen or do. I want to consider myself an active person not just someone exercising, I want to be able to walk into any clothing store, I want to be able to go into a restaurant and not worry about seating, I want to get on an airplane or in someone elses car and not worry about the seatbelts. They might seem like stupid things, but it’s things I’ve never been able to do.

I want to stop wishing for things and make them HAPPEN.

On another note, I don’t want to mindlessly going through daily motions just to get by. I want to wake up with the one I love excited that it’s a new day I get to be with him. A new day with endless possibilities of what could happen for us. I’m so sick of being on my own. I want a partner, someone to share things with, to do daily menial tasks with. I want to be able to kick off my shoes at the end of the day and cuddle up next to my one and for us both to talk about our day. I want a relationship.  I’m so tired of being alone and feeling so lonely.

I know this post wasn’t much on the positive side, but I’m feeling a little meh at the moment.

To end on a more positive note, I do have a plan I am putting into effect. I’ll explain more, but it’s basically a general schedule and an eating plan. I’m not worried about specifics but guidelines are great. Taking baby steps to a healthier, happier, and more well-rounded (not in the bad way) person!

Back to day one!

So today is going well so far.

It was late when I posted last night so I didn’t get as much time to look over low carb information like I wanted, so this morning I had a slight ‘what do I eat’ panic. I don’t want to put this off at all, so regardless of what I had available to me, I wanted to eat as low carb as I could. I had bought some cheese cubes for snacks this week so I ended up scrambling 2 eggs, half a serving of cubes (about 3 cubes broken up) and a couple ounces of leftover porkchop from the other night. It was a good breakfast for such short notice. Only problem is that by 9am (I had bfast about 6:30am) I felt hungry again. So I either need to bulk up my brakfast, or start eating small meals every couple of hours. I ate more cheese cubes for snack (cause its the only low/no carb snack I have!) and I brought some fruit with me, even though 2 week induction says no fruit. Not sure if I’m officially ‘started’ yet though.

I wonder often why is it so damn hard for me to get my ass into gear and do what I have to do to lose weight. I KNOW I want to, I know I NEED to, I know it CAN be done. So why don’t I do it? Why do I get frustrated so easily trying to figure out what to eat. Why is there so many things to watch; calories, fat, sugars, sodium. Which do you watch? How do you watch any of them and still feel like you are eating. Every time I start a different eating regimen I always end up hungry. Low calorie? Seem always hungry. Low carb? Seems like a lot of food AND still seem hungry. I struggle with needing to be on a low budget, and still managing to eat to not feel so hungry that I binge out. I am so lost and confused. Don’t even get me started on exercise, I have an excuse for everything and I don’t think I have EVER been able to balance healthy eating and exercise because I often felt the need to binge after a workout.

That is the key though, finding balance. Finding the right combination that keeps you going and works. I don’t know how to find that balance. I hate experimenting. I hate being at work and out of snacks at 3:30pm with an hour and a half left to go of work and you can feel that feeling coming on. The one where your stomach knots up because you are hungry after a healthy meal of a few things and you suddenly start to picture fast food and how easy it would be just to order an .89 cent taco. Yet you think, “well, tomorrow i’ll bring more snacks.” That doesn’t help the here and now! Of course if you BRING more snacks, that messes up your money because it’s delving into allotted snacks. Ugh. I hate it. I hate the fact whenever I am trying to eat better all I think about is food. I just want a normal relationship with food. I want to eat to survive, not eat because I’m sad, bored, lonely, or stressed out. I don’t want to have to plan out every morsel that goes into my body. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to do these things, but is that the only way I am going to be able to lose weight? I am going to have to become a gym rat and sweat and pant and die in front of complete strangers? I don’t know how people do it honestly, I can’t even exercise in front of my own mother so it is a hard  thing for me to grasp. What do I do?

Right now I am going to try low carb, I don’t know if I will follow the Atkins diet or not though. Twenty carbs is a very small amount of carbs, and what seems like a lot of food to go through. However i’m a hypocrite because a big problem I have with different ways of eating is that if i’m given freedom (like I just ranted about) i’ll just binge. If I could actually eat till I was satisfied, I probably wouldn’t be fat in the first place, right?

In trying to plan for low carb ‘induction’ phase, I decided I would make a frittata from the sparkpeople.com website. So I made an Egg white Tomato & Spinach Frittata. I added some ground sausage and it looks great, I can’t wait to taste it tomorrow. If it’s a success I will post the recipe.

First steps which include Sauteed onions & spinach.

Added oven roasted grape tomatoes & egg whites.

Some cheese and baking later, looks delish!!

Kitty is thirsty!

So fricken cute!

Dazed and confused .. Now Commited.

What a couple of weeks this has been. Ups and downs, downs and sideways and then more downs. It’s been crazy and depressing and darn right hard. I’m ready to make something happen now.

I’m tired of being tired. I’m sick of being sick. I want to get up in the morning and feel positive that today is going to be a good day. These black clouds that have been surrounding me need to go away, and probably not from rays of sunshine shooting out of my eyes and mouth, but at least by me swatting them away. I know that was kind of a weird visual, but yea 😀

Anyways .. I honestly don’t want to delve into what went on the last couple of weeks. It’s done and over with, things can’t be undone and can’t be taken back and I need to move on. Lets hope that those rainclouds are still running.

So in attempt to start anew and fresh Len and I began to make a plan for what we want to happen, how to make it happen, and when things might start to happen. A part of that plan involves good habits, eating healthier and tracking what we eat. We had this big thing made up and what did I go and do today? Binged. Hardcore. Not even because I was sad, or depressed, perhaps a little bored though. I was so full and I kept on eating, it was insane. I felt so sick when I got home and then my sister started dinner. It smelled so good, yet I felt so sick. Eventually my stomach calmed a little and then I had a huge lapse in judgment and down went dinner. I don’t even have words for what went on with me tonight. I feel so gross and defeated. I need a new plan, and I am thinking of trying low carb. I know that the first couple weeks of a low carb diet is hard and pretty crazy, but I believe it can be maintained as a lifestyle change and when I get past these first couple of weeks and start adding more foods in and seeing how I feel, exercise might just be my next step! I don’t want to get to far ahead of myself though, baby steps.

Although I was a bit depressed and feel a little blah right now because of all the food I’ve consumed today, I do feel slightly motivated to become healthier right now. My sister went to the doctor today, and a similar situation to my mom, came out with more things wrong with her than she went in with. It scares me to know my mom has diabetes and my sister has diabetes, and she has not kept her diabetes in check and is now having a lot of side affects. I’m a LOT bigger than she is. I don’t want to end up blind because of Diabetes, or losing a limb. I don’t want to have to take insulin or anything like that. I don’t want to have a heart attack at 26, and I want to be around for a long long time to live it up with Len. I want to go bike riding, go on an adventure, go jogging with Len, go on a cruise, and not worry about if I can fit in the seats at a restaurant or a movie theater, or if the seat belt in someones car is going to fit me. I hate that my life revolves around my weight in a negative way, and I want to change that. Right. Now.

I need to do some more research on low carb stuff, but I think by tomorrow I should have a decent look at what I want to at least start out with. This is my commitment right here, right now, witness it.

Rough Week .. Tomorrow is a new day!

As the title says this has been a rough week for me, and tomorrow IS a new day. This could become a looooong post of catching up!

The rough part of my week was really just depression. I was doing really well for weeks and then boy did it come back and hit me, it hit me hard and made up for time! Trying to look back on it now in a better state of mind I can’t really even think of WHY I was so depressed. It was just a mix of everything together and it took me over the edge and fast. I am so glad Len is so understanding and patient with me in this time. I feel like if we were together though things wouldn’t feel as hopeless as they do once I get into a depression like this. Having physical support (a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold) is so much more comforting to me than a text message. I’m not going to get into it though because I’ve had so much talking about and our friend Kendall has been really helping me out and I appreciate everything she does for me!

Well, I’ve been working on this post for days now, mostly because I will get distracted with something else. So as much as I wanted to write into it explaining how everything has gone, I’ll just summarize the day-to-day stuff so I can get down to the things I really want to work on. Goals. Like I said, the week started rough with the depression and then it got pretty good because I got a reply back about a job and went to an interview. The job was through a temp service and they called and asked if I’d want to work at another place (apparently I didn’t get the original job!) and of course I said yes and it ended up being a really good job/pay. I was having a hard time getting excited over the job and after finally letting myself .. the order got canceled! Ugh. Pissed. So I went and met with another woman and I have another appointment on Tuesday to see about another job. That was a roller-coaster ride emotionally. I still feel, even with jobs on the horizon, that I want to go back to CA. So, so, so, so, so much!

So anyways. For the last couple of days that I have been pretty okay emotionally and mentally, I have thought that I need to step up my game with my blog and my health stuff. I need to get back on track with my to-do lists of course, I also want to actually commit to an exercise routine. The weather around here has been getting pretty super nice instead of in your face I-can’t-breath-oh-lord-please-help-me humid hot. I get this weird feeling of i want to do SOMETHING, but I just can’t figure out what it is let alone how to do it. I can’t figure it out! So what I am going to do in this post is to set some new things up!

Eating

Sometimes I can do a great job with my eating (mostly when I have a job and can afford food). Other times I find myself bingeing, a lot. I need to find my balance. I need to find a way to not constantly think about what am I going to be eating next and going through an hour of calorie counting and then find myself really hungry because all I have done is think about food. I’m still not completely sure on a full-blown plan, but a few things I want to start doing and I still think slow and steady will be my best overall plan. I’ve had a subscription, from my wonderful boyfriend Len, to Jillian Michaels website. I used it for a while but didn’t follow through, I didn’t like the food tracker and used it mostly for information and the exercise stuff. Of course after the subscription I found Spark People (free!). I want to use this tool to really help me out, it is free after all and I really like their food tracker! My plan is 1400-1600 calories. Now, I’m not going to narrow myself to ONLY healthy stuff now because at this point in life (with no money and not much choice of what is bought to eat) I would rather just stick to goals that are achievable. So no matter what I eat as long as I stick to those calories, and that doesn’t give me an excuse to eat a 1000 calorie burger (but if I reaaaally wanted it I could!).

Exercise

This subject I struggle with. A lot. My mentality is that if I’ve already eaten something bad, what’s the point in exercising? I’ve already ruined my day. Well, I need to think different. If I do happen to eat something that I feel is on the lower end of the healthy spectrum, then I NEED to exercise. I also can’t just stop it there. I think because my food really isn’t something I can completely control, I need to find my control in exercise. If that means creating a schedule (something I didn’t want to do starting this journey) for exercise then so be it. Maybe it’s what I need. I’ve thought of either creating my routine, or perhaps doing the couch to 5k plan. It might take me awhile longer to get to certain fitness levels on that, but it could be a good goal to do. I’m still kind of working this part out.

Mental

I actually felt really good when I was keeping track of my goals and having routines etc. I think for myself and to make myself feel better, I need to do and get back into my to-do lists and my routines. I tend to do something for a day or two and then go back to old ways, but I am going to stick to my lists this time.

This is my tentative plan now. I am going to take more time to actually plan out what I’m going to do now and hopefully my next post will have updates on that.

I wish I had taken pictures the last week. I made a really good meatloaf from Healthy Decadence show on FitTV, it was actually really yummy and my very picky sister loved it! Tonight I had made pork chops a new way from a random website I had taken the idea off of, but didn’t really follow the recipe. Basically I used a seasoning salt then browned the pork chops, I used 3 onions sliced and a cup of water and then simmered it all together. Turned the chops, simmered again. At the end the onions were gone (they weren’t suppose to be!) and I ended up making a bit of a gravy to put over the chops. It may not have been the most healthy, but it was damn delicious!

Anyhoo, tomorrow is the start of a new week, and a holiday at that. It will be a good day!

Lazy Sunday? Kind of ..

Like I said on Saturday perhaps if I had a job I would want to do as little as possible on Sunday but I don’t so it is usually like any other day for me.

The day started off pretty well, I had one of my Banana Oatmeal cookies for breakfast, which they seem pretty good for that! Not soon after my sister, who had the day off, wanted to start organizing some more stuff in mom’s house. This is really fine with me because usually when I try to do anything mom decides she wants to oversee everything and it gets me frustrated and irritated, but with my sister my mom knows she’s going to do it her way and that is that. We took down the overly large and unused (except as a junk collector) table which was my brothers and put up a smaller table of my moms. My sister also moved a lot of stuff out of the kitchen and organized a big pantry thing that wasn’t being used for anything but junk storage (I think my moms a small time hoarder.) After we put the table and stuff in my truck (between the moments of rainfall), my sister and I decided to take it to my brothers. So we went on a trip of errands which included Wal-Mart for moms medicine and some other stuff, my brother’s house, and my sister paying her storage unit.

After all that it was pretty much late in the afternoon and when we got home, I got lazy. I am not sure how to keep my energy going throughout the day. I seem to just collapse into laziness so quickly that I don’t want to do anything. I really didn’t either. I made dinner (chicken and rice) which was my big accomplishment for the evening. Now I feel really tired and will probably go to bed soon.

My food intake was .. so-so today. Had some candy which i should NOT have had and I am paying the price with a huge toothache now. I am hoping this teaches me a lesson! Exercise was minimal today as well, again, lazy! I have some ideas for stuff health wise and exercise and food, I just need to sit down and put my ideas down on paper when I’m not feeling tired or not moving stuff around the house. Maybe tomorrow! My tooth is really hurting so I’m going to sleep early.

Cooking like mad!

If I had a job I might kick back and relax and have a lazy Saturday and Sunday, but I don’t, so my weekends are usually much like the rest of my week .. BORING!! Today however I made 2 things food-wise and I feel accomplished and happy!

My day started kinda late, I still need to work on going to bed early and waking up early. So I was going to wait to make the pancit I have craved (and got the noodles for yesterday at the Asian market) for some day when we had to go to the store and I’d pick up the veggies that I needed. I was really craving it though for some reason so I ran to the store and grabbed what I needed and then I was happily and excitedly in the process of making Pancit! Now, I really didn’t have big expectations because 1) I had eaten pancit made from awesome cooks (Lens mom and aunt) who have probably made it their whole lives and 2) Because it was my first time even attempting it. You know what? It didn’t come out half bad! My sister liked it which is surprising because she’s pretty picky. All in all I got my fix, and made a good dish! Also, when I had made my first loaf of bread I had also made a spreadsheet to figure out how many calories and stuff would be in a serving of any recipes I made. I plugged in the information for the pancit and it was really good!

1 cup = 50 cal, 2 fat, 4.5 carbs

I was reading some health/food blogs and came across a recipe for Banana Oatmeal Cookies and looking through the ingredients I knew I had all of those things (minus flax-seed), and being they looked super yummy i was all for making them! I figured I’d do the smart thing first and plug them into my recipe nutrition figure outer spreadsheet thingy, and I was very surprised at the stats on these. It was not very good per cookie, like almost 150 calories and 15 carbs per cookie. I did end up making them, but I don’t think I’ll be eating very many of them or at least only ONE.

I was reading some healthy living blogs and I had a moment of inspiration seeing that a LOT of the people who do these blogs are runners. I guess reading about running makes me really want to do it. So I grabbed some workout clothes and my dog and jumped in the car. We drove just down the road to a local church where there is a small graveyard with a road going around it and cotton field surrounding it now. Pretty secluded and safe feeling (no random dogs running around). I forgot to drive around the road to figure out the distance but I walked two laps around with the last stretch on a jog. I then walked a stretch, jogged a stretch, walked a stretch, and half jog/walked the last stretch back to the car. All in all for not doing much exercise I think that was really good start! I felt really accomplished afterward.

My to-do list was pretty small, and still didn’t do much on it. Most of what I did today was pretty random, like the cooking/baking. I am sooo tired now though!! Finishing up this post and then heading to bed! Somehow I managed to delete my to-do list for today before I saved it to show. My weekly will have to do this time!

Lots of pictures after the jump 🙂 Will add recipes and links for the food tomorrow.